Self Help
If you are close to a narcissist, maybe through a living arrangement which means you are in their immediate sphere of close people. Start by seeking help for yourself. Narcissists exhibit persistent behaviour which may appear normal at first, but over long periods of time can be damaging to others. They need others to affirm their distorted reality and that means people close them are constantly being manipulated into providing that affirmation.
Manipulation may involve your judgement being questioned, especially about past events which a narcissist may insist were different to your own recall. Your self worth will be challenged and whatever you bring to the relationship may not be recognised.
Seek help by finding somebody you can be honest with about how you feel. That could be a trusted family member, a friend or a professional counsellor. Narcissists often isolate people from their friends and family because those people are a threat to the narcissists own narrative. It is common for them to contact your friends and family with their own “plea” for help, this is all part of isolating others and protecting their own self image. See if there are help-lines in your area and call as many as you need until you find one that understands. The same for the Internet, there are many forums and resources. Use your judgement to find those with helpful information.
Narcissism is not well understood by wider society, finding somebody or others who know what you are experiencing is the biggest step to helping yourself deal with a narcissist.
Keep a journal
Start writing down every “weird” observation you encounter with the narcissist. Ensure you keep the journal secret, perhaps update it from work or wait to do it when you can grab ten minutes alone.
This diary was created from all my notes which started off as a record of events where I thought my children were being mis-treated. The diary was stored on an encrypted laptop because the narcissist would sometimes try to read content on my phone.
Record the date, who else witnessed the event and a brief record of what happened. Finally do not be afraid to add how it made you feel.
The power here is that a journal creates a history of events. Those events in isolation can be explained away, but when viewed together it is easier to see a clear picture and assess the impact of what is happening. Be aware, we all may exhibit the same behaviour as narcissists sometimes. It is the persistence and frequency that denotes a deeper subconscious character trait may be involved.
Keeping a journal has many additional purposes. It prevents gas-lighting. This is where the narcissist recalls the past event differently, often in a very convincing way that forces you to discredit your own memories. Being able to to look back on the journal will confirm to you whether your recall is correct.
If you end up in the legal system. Police and courts prefer specific details such as dates and events instead of general allegations that a person is “abusive” or “lying”. Specific details enable these services to question all parties involved and make their own assessment. Your journal will be an invaluable tool at this point.
Grey Rocking
The term Grey Rocking relates to the need a narcissist has for affirmation of their own narrative. How you react and respond enforces their story and they will crave more affirmation. This leads to repetitions of behaviour that you may find uncomfortable.
Instead of reacting, try to blank the behaviour from the narcissist and avoid giving them that affirmation. For example, a narcissist may make a statement which is clearly false, perhaps derogatory about somebody that they know is close to you. They are looking for you to react in defence. So don’t. Ignore the provocation and do your best to show no reaction at all (You can still journal it later!).
The goal is all about removing that affirmation from your response and reducing the likelihood of the narcissist using the same provocation on you again in future.
Diversion
A narcissists need is to affirm their own self perception. This affirmation comes from others and if there is an event which strongly affirmed the perception previously . It is likely that faced with a similar situation in future, the narcissist will repeat the past behaviour seeking the same reflection.
Diversion is about avoiding events that are damaging to others by trying not to repeat them. If last time you had an argument, you stood your ground and shouted more and more until the narcissist became dangerous and you backed down. This time walk away early, call the police or better still avoid the situation in advance. If you know something will be a trigger for the narcissist then this time ensure you are in public or with a friend.
You can also try making a new suggestion “Hey, I cannot do this right now, but I would be happy to talk about it later” or “why don’t we see what your friend ‘X’ says about it”.
The key is to keep your responses less predictable and introduce new factors which force the narcissist to adapt instead of “improving” their control over others via repeating previous paths.
Distance
Ultimately, you need to decide for yourself and possibly others who depend on you whether you can remain close to the narcissist. I can only write from experience and say that as a parent, I could not continue living with a narcissist knowing that they were exerting their negative influence over our children. It was hard enough for me to live with the behaviour and therefore imperative that I provided a new safe place for the children to grow. Achieving this took four years of sheer determination, I made a large photo of the children and every time I wanted to quit. I looked that picture and reminded myself that I had to go on.
Distance involves reducing contact as much as possible with the narcissistic person. In some circumstances this involves moving to a new secret address, changing your contact details and only allowing communication if any via a third party. But it could also involve ending the relationship, or just moving into separate houses. If it’s your boss, then it’s time to quit.
Do not waste your energy on revenge or holding grudges. Revenge will just affirm the narcissists distorted view that the world is against them. A grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Just not worth it. Put your new free energies into positive actions.
If you, or others are not coping with the narcissist, then you have to make a choice and own it. You are entitled to own your life. As much as you may want to help or even think you can change the narcissist in your life. You need to evaluate your options and have a strategy. Do not just carry on letting yourself be used. Remember, it’s your path and you are also entitled to change your choices later if you need to. Do not get sucked into the trap of thinking you are stuck with what you have got.
Acceptance
People are who they are. Whilst it may not be safe for you to stay close to a narcissist. We all exhibit less desirable behavior sometimes and we all need affirmation of ourselves from others. In fact having empathy and self awareness are good life skills. Try not to think in terms or “right” and “wrong” or “winning” and “losing”, although some behaviour is definitely wrong and illegal. Draw a line and escape if it is crossed.
To date, evidence suggests that “help” for narcissists has limited effectiveness. Humans have to first accept they have a problem before they are willing to change and it is likely a narcissist believes everybody else is the problem rather than themselves. It is totally OK to help people, especially if you care about them, but accepting who they are and working with that will be more productive than trying to change them.
Remember to have a strategy for yourself to escape if it becomes too much.