Just a note that today Charlie woke up in a completely cheerful mood. Having been impossible all week and constantly harassing me, today it was like nothing had happened and she even suggested I go shopping with Ollie.
It is like she has completely forgotten what she was like the day before. Anyway, I’ll take all the good days I can get.
I still have no clear idea what is making Charlie anxious this week, is it her new job, is it the children back at school, is it me? She’s been making negative remarks about all those things for days.
This morning I go out early for run. When I come back, the door has been locked from the inside. I know it’s Charlie as I heard her locking it as soon as I went out. Fortunately I have a key and can get back in. For all Charlie says about wanting counselling and us being together, she has a pretty crap way of showing it. I also notice the children’s school hats have been thrown outside. I have no idea why – but they weren’t there yesterday when I was trimming the garden, so once I again I know it’s Charlie. Our (my) surname has been crossed out in the hats and replaced with her maiden name. It’s a ridiculous exercise that confuses the children and means if the hats do get lost. We’ll never see them again.
Charlie continues on full anxiety mode all morning, I have had to move twice just writing this diary because she’s following me and offloading loads of negativity onto me. She is trying to provoke me with multiple irrational claims and I just don’t want to react. Plus what a way for the children to start the weekend. I’d like to sort Sam’s party and help the children chill out from the first week back at school, but if Charlie just disrupts everything, that’s going to be impossible.
Later I notice Charlie has emptied the bins. She never does this, so I have a look in the bin outside. Sure enough, Charlie has torn up a load of wedding cards we had from guests. This is the same person that constantly reminds me I made promises on our wedding day and accuses me of wanting to break them.
My entire day was been spent tip-toeing around Charlie who continued to drop provocative remarks and make negative comments whilst the children were around. I’m very worried how her behaviour affects the children and basically my whole day has been about trying bring Charlie back from her anxious state.
In the afternoon, I was getting changed. As per the new rule Charlie wanted a couple of months ago, I shut the door and made Charlie wait until I had finished changing. Charlie came up with this rule and said I couldn’t come in the bedroom when she was changing. I have been ignoring the fact that some of her changing sessions take half an hour. One time, she spent a whole day ranting at me for walking in on her and how it wasn’t right. Today though, she stated that I made up the rule and it was a ridiculous rule for a married couple to have. She has no recollection that she introduced it or even gave me such a hard time about it two months ago. It’s probably the clearest example in a while of how Charlie can completely appear to forget something she has said or done, and then come up with an alternate version of events. But these little moments happen all the time with Charlie and it’s impossible to suggest otherwise to her.
Charlie is still anxious. I thought the weekend might calm her down but no.
We were talking about different things and Charlie’s new job. She starts saying how we could move house to be nearer her new job. I’m not keen to rush into that thought line since Charlie isn’t great at staying in one role and it’s not even a month since she started. I remind her that I’m keen to look into having separate houses and maybe this could work.
I am desperate to move out and it would be much easier if Charlie was on board rather than letting her be unpredictable. Charlie starts saying we’re married and can’t do live in separate houses. She argues that we should move to be near her family because mothers & daughters have a special bond that I don’t have with my family because I am a son. Basically she states that she should get preferential treatment over me because she is a daughter. She starts being more upset and anxious and works herself up. Every time I try to suggest that I disagree with anything, she over-reacts and says that I am ‘blaming her for everything’. She denies wanting to buy our current house which is so not true – she really liked it – we both did which is why we put an offer in on the day we saw it.
The children are hearing the whole thing and getting sucked into our tension again. I wish Charlie would control her emotions better and not lose it every time she doesn’t like something.
Charlie was still twitchy today when she came home from work, it’s always a big thing for her that she’s been to work. I had made sure things were under control.
The children are all home and I sort out dinner whilst she has some time out. At bedtime, Charlie is pretty clingy around the children which is kinda OK, but it blocks me out. Until Sam is goes to bed last, as Sam goes upstairs, she asks Charlie not to follow her.
Sam gets overwhelmed easily, so having somebody in your face is a worst possible scenario. Charlie doesn’t take the hint and decides tonight would actually be a great night to make extra sure Sam cleans her teeth. So Charlie follows Sam all the way to the bathroom and sure enough. Sam starts protesting wildly, Charlie refuses to concede anything and starts going on about how important teeth brushing is. It goes on between them for over 20 minutes, twice Charlie walks out the bathroom slamming the door and saying she’s had enough. Only to turn around and walk back in seconds later.
Eventually Sam is totally distraught, like you would be if somebody started getting on your case as you’re trying to do your teeth. I decide I can’t ignore the harassment of a child and venture to the bathroom where I really calmly suggest Charlie takes a break for a bit. Charlie is having none of it, accuses me of criticising her, even though I chose the softest words I could. Every time I suggest maybe a break would help, Charlie knocks me back, insisting everything is fine between her and Sam. Charlie starts digging up times when I have errored as a parent too. I’m not here to start another fight so I back off and head away. Fortunately the hint does get taken and Charlie is able to change her tune with Sam, letting her clean her teeth under supervision. Eventually Sam gets to bed. It’s so tough hearing the children being treated this way by somebody who is unable to see their own issues or the damage they are causing. Although Charlie has good intentions, she is so tactless that it just causes pain.
Back to school day, Charlie was more anxious than the children.
Yesterday Charlie started telling the children that they didn’t need to go in on the first day and that they weren’t ready. I didn’t want to re-enforce this bizarre thought line so I stayed out of it and it’s not clear what the issue was. I think some of the children’s supplies needed naming, but that’s not really reason to keep them off school for the day. To avoid getting sucked into it, I said that I would go into the office to work. That meant Charlie would have to look after the children herself if she kept them home. Sure enough later on in the evening she seemed to have changed her tune and was prepared to take them, but she still told the children they could decide whether to go in.
So there was some confusion by the children this morning when they woke and got told they had to go to school like every other child. We eventually got them to school but after the school bell so they were late to class on their first day back. I wasn’t impressed, it’s not hard to get children to school on time.
Charlie also has this thing about Ollie being in the wrong year. I don’t understand the rational for it, he’s in the right one for his age group and is doing well. Charlie’s fixation with this issue dates back four years to a change of class when Ollie was in prep. So on the way to school, Ollie who has 2 years left is being told by Charlie that he has ‘just one more year to go’. It’s just annoying hearing this false nonsense being dished out onto the children that conflicts with what everybody else is telling them. I can’t see how it will help anyone in the future.
Well I had to stop writing notes last night because Charlie’s stalking was becoming increasingly intrusive. She quickly walked down the hall and into the bedroom twice and asked me what I was doing on the computer. She just stood there and watched me until I said I was going to bed. She had made a bed for herself downstairs and told Sam that’s where she would sleep, but now she said she was waiting to sleep in the bedroom. So I said I would sleep downstairs if she wasn’t going to. Charlie refused to commit to any arrangement saying she could go where she liked.
Eventually I went into the office area downstairs as there is only one comfy place to sleep in that room. Charlie came to the room next door and turned the TV up loud for an hour, eventually she slept in the TV room on the sofa. I was so stressed by the whole evening that I couldn’t sleep. Charlie turns everything into a battle and makes out that I am starting the fights and being difficult, but I understand now – it’s not me, it’s Charlie and she just uses anything she can to turn it on me.
This morning, we had planned to go and visit one of Charlie’s friends in a new house. It would probably be a decent day, but there’s no way I can pretend I’m doing OK all day and smile after the way I’ve been treated, I feel abused. When I tell Charlie I have decided not to go, she gets upset again. Ollie is there and asks her not to ‘go off on one’. I’ve thought hard about my excuse and simply say that I am exhausted – it’s none confrontational – but I am taking the rap, when really I just can’t stand the idea of being near Charlie. Charlie says we are all going and walks around the house loudly talking about how we’re all going to get ready. Then she tells the children none of us are going because I have ruined the day. I don’t need to receive all this hostility, so I say I need to do the garden and head out in the sun to do noisy hedge trimming until she finally goes on her way. Finally, I have some time to myself.
Another note, Charlie has deleted the mail forwarding filters on our shared email account again. She forwards all the email to a second address, but sometimes she complains that I have moved or deleted emails from the account. I don’t do this on purpose – in fact I usually wait a month before moving any emails that I think she may be watching. So I got fed up of being accused of that game and set up a second forwarder to my own email address. Charlie has deleted it twice now, so I asked her why she was allowed to forward emails, but I am not. She refused to give a rational answer and said it had been the way it was for years and there was no reason to change it. Basically it’s just another method of control. Later in the evening, I get an alert that she has changed the recovery account phone number on the email address. So she is still fiddling and although she says she is trying to get on with me – she’s clearly not too bothered about us.
, So we’re back from holiday which was mostly bearable except for one bust up in the middle. We spent the whole holiday sleeping in different rooms which was great for getting some space and just being able to wake up without feeling tense in the morning. All the way back, I’ve been doing my best to keep Charlie calm, I even disabled all messaging notifications on my phone so they wouldn’t pop up in sat-nav mode. If one of my closer friends or family messaged me and Charlie saw it, that would set her off.
We get back, Charlie gets out the car picks up the post and opens the house up, puts the post down in the kitchen. I follow with some bags and pick the post up to see what’s for me. I am expecting a small parcel and sure enough it’s there. But apparently that’s not OK. Charlie immediately, grabs the post off me and saying she is sorting it out. Apparently, it’s now totally wrong to get my post and I should have known this. Charlie is ‘sorting the post’.
I’m just so fed up of this, why can’t I just get home and unload without drama. So I tell Charlie I’ve had enough and I want to leave. Charlie then starts trying to turn it all on me, saying I started an argument with her. I ask about whether there is now a rule that I am not allowed to look at my post and apologise for not knowing she was ‘sorting it’. But it’s no joy, Charlie is off on one and she makes it clear it’s all my fault.
She is then checking on me every 5 minutes – what am I doing, who I am talking to. I am totally sick of this. I didn’t do anything wrong. The children are all seeing the tension and they’re upset too. They don’t know who to support as they try to intervene. Ollie is trying to reassure us that everything is OK. I am shaking again from the stress of trying to avoid Charlie – being near her just means I get a tirade of negative remarks about everything and anything she can think of to put me down.
Later on, Charlie is in the shower. I pop out to empty the recycling box into the bin. When I come back in, the door latch clicks loudly behind me and Charlie come rushing out the shower with towels on shouting ‘where the f*** is he going now?’ She see’s me on the stairs and I can see she’s a bit shocked. I explain I’ve just put the rubbish out and Charlie stars making excuses about how it’s really cold in the house isn’t it and goes off to adjust the air con.
It’s scary, really scary – all I do is normal things and I get this huge reaction and treated like I’m some kind of criminal or up to no good. Charlie continues to follow me for the rest of the entire evening, she’s always just outside the door or in the next room listening to whatever I am doing and then looking busy when I move between rooms.
We’re off on holiday tomorrow. Charlie is always a bit twitchy before any holiday, she likes a lot of time to pack.
On the 16th, I took all the children out for 8 hours so Charlie could pack and get ready. But she’s not ready. On the 17th it’s a Sunday and we had planned that Charlie would take the children out the church in the morning so I could have some time to get organised – it’s so much easier to clean the house when Charlie is not fussing.
Charlie changes her mind and does home church, before it even starts she is none-stop harassing the children, especially. Ollie over different little things. But she keeps barking different instructions until Ollie flips and just starts shouting at Charlie to leave him alone. During church, they do craft and make a big mess which they need to help clear up. I try to stay out the way, but now Charlie is on Sam’s case. It’s always quite hard to get Sam to help and you need to be simple and specific with her. Charlie isn’t she’s just shouting at Sam and getting more cross, I dare not intervene because I already know Charlie won’t back off. Charlie is very angry now, shouting and slamming doors. I wish she would just step back. Eventually Sam comes upstairs, I make her take 5 minutes time out, then we have a chat and she agrees to help clean. All is good, but Charlie is just so fussing it makes it hard for anyone around her to get things done. She doesn’t see the needs of the children.