Month: July 2021

Following on from a tense night.

In the morning, Charlie is still being major passive aggressive. She threatens to go out in the car and leave Evan for me to take to nursery which is 3km away.

Charlie’s breakfast cereal is all over kitchen floor like she doesn’t care about the mess. It’s a shame because now all the children know we are fighting again. Evan starts screaming her head of in tears and I have to take her away from Charlie for 5 minutes to calm her down. I ignore Charlie as best I can until she has gone out the door to work. After all the threats to leave Evan, she eventually takes her to nursery with no fuss.

I do notice that Charlie has filled out Ollies latest school permission slip and omitted our family name again. The children do notice these little actions and it worries me what they think of them.

I went to bed at 21:40, the same time as Charlie who has been quiet most of the eve, it’s been a busy week.

I mention a reminder that the car is due to go back for another engine repair on in 4 days time. All Charlie needs to say is “thanks for the reminder”, we are going to get the same loan car, free with free fuel and big enough for the family although smaller than our 7 seater. Charlie immediately goes tense and starts saying we’re going to buy another car straight away on the weekend.

Charlie is very unhappy about the loan car again. I can’t understand why it’s such a big deal to her. I remind her she has been telling me she has lot of coursework to do and asking me to take the children out so she can get it done. It might be not the best time to go car shopping.

Charlie refuses to consider it, she has gone all anxious and refuses to consider anything, she just complains about the loan car and says she’s going to buy a different second car instead on the weekend. I’m pretty fed up with this nonsense, I can’t sleep in the same room as somebody as tense as this.

So I pick up a few bits and head downstairs to sleep. I try to slip out the room quietly and say I’m going to do a little work. Charlie becomes even more anxious and starts getting aggressive. She follows me downstairs, turning all the lights on, even the outside lights get turned on. I am on the sofa trying to sleep, but Charlie stands over me insisting I have to go back to sleep in the same bed as her.

She seems to think she can tell me what to do, I try calmly asking her to let me be and be quiet before she wakes the children. She says that won’t happen but then she repeatedly slams the door. Eventually I get my phone and show her I am recording her not letting me sleep. She goes around the corner but is still being loud. Then Ollie gets woken up by her noise. It is so frustrating. All the time Charlie is putting the blame on me.

Apparently this was wrong time to tell her this piece of information. She sees none of if her as behaviour, she cannot admit she is making a huge fuss about a tiny thing. I apologise for telling her late at night, but it’s irrelevant, Charlie has flipped again and will not leave me alone. Eventually she seems to realise that I am still recording her and goes upstairs, she’s still chuntering to herself but I am able to sneak into another room where I can’t hear her and go to sleep.

Charlie totally freaked about my booking a house viewing. She took day off work sick, complaining of a headache.

She comes to view the property with me, I thought the property was actually ideal, small, but still space for the kids to sleep over, nearby and close to the school. In the evening, we agreed that I wouldn’t take the property, but Charlie would make more effort to get signed up for help. Charlie still seems to think we need to do joint help rather than recognising she has any issues of her own. But I agree because at least if she organises something, she may engage more than if I organise it and then she will reject it as me forcing her to do something.

I tell Charlie the fighting in front of the children is hurting them and has to stop. I’ve already set my mind on this, I’m not going to let it go on for more than another year. So there is some kind of deadline to get this sorted or I will leave.

I let Charlie know that I am going to view a possible property I can move out to.

I know she has moved on in her head from other recent issues and thinks her behaviour is fine, but it hasn’t been. She is still very controlling and makes me feel uncomfortable. It didn’t help when I noticed the other day that she used her maiden name in a sign up for one of the kids magazines.

Charlie is obviously not happy about me moving out and refused accept it. Charlie told me I couldn’t go, made lots of excuses, she seems oblivious to the history of issues we’ve had. It’s very hard to explain to Charlie, the problem is she doesn’t know her behaviour is the problem.

After 45 minutes of going in circles trying to talk about it, I try to wrap up the conversation. Charlie is very unhappy, banging around house at 10pm, tearing something up in kitchen. Then she woke Sam up. Basically Charlie is repeating all the intimidating behaviour which has lead to this point in the first place.

Ollie was also having a bad night that night due to an event at school. It was very hard to comfort and settle Ollie whilst Charlie wanted the attention to be on her. I thought she was following me to help Ollie who had worked himself into a state but when I left her to it, she also followed me away. I find it very hard to be there for the children and say what they need to hear when Charlie is judging me all the time.

I thought that Charlie knowing that I’m looking to move out would encourage some calmer attitudes, but Charlie is still pretty twitchy after school.

At dinner time, Ollie mentions he’s been studying ‘the first fleet’ in school today, he’s excited about it an demonstrates his knowledge with a list of facts. Charlie negatively responds that he doesn’t need to learn about that. It’s very discouraging when his teacher is obviously encouraging him. Ollie drops the subject and eats his dinner.

Later I read some books with Evan. The books had my family name inside the front page and it’s been crossed out in all of them. Evan asks why somebody has ‘painted’ in the books. She knows she is not supposed to draw in books.

When I fetch Sam home from her club, I ask her to go upstairs for food, but she ignores me and goes to watch TV, she then throws her socks at Ollie who is asking her to stop. She continues to be silly and unfocused. I also have Evan to get ready for bed so I shout one word ‘upstairs’ to make Sam realise she needs to do as she is asked. Sam quits messing around, goes upstairs and after a brief fuss eats her tea. We can all hear Charlie muttering about my shouting and putting down my parenting.

I have been avoiding Charlie all weekend, we finally get to chat Sunday evening.

Charlie has been talking about long term plans and new dance classes for the children, it makes me think she’s forgotten or moved on from our issues again.

I try to assess where Charlie is at, initially Charlie is very defensive. When we get onto what happened during camping. Charlie seems completely unable to remember what she said, she knows I was angry & shouted at her, but she cannot suggest any reason why I would be angry.

In her mind, I just got all shouty for no reason. She does not remember what she said to her friends camping with us, she does not remember that her they and some of the children could also hear. All Charlie seems to remember is that she was feeling anxious and tense at the time. Charlie genuinely seems completely blank to the memory that she accused her friend of having an affair with me.

I am bemused by Charlie’s response. Has she actually forgotten what she did and have no recollection of her own behaviour. Or is she an extremely convincing liar in denial. I desperately wish I could tell, although neither option is good for us.

Charlie becomes more twitchy and then starts checking her phone. I am pretty fed up, it seems like she’s not at all taking things seriously. Everything I say, she puts back on me, “I am the one that gets angry”, “I am the one that should see a counsellor for help”. “I am the problem”. Charlie does not acknowledge any behavioural issues or negativity towards children or myself.

Eventually, I do get Charlie to engage and discuss our failed relationship, her language is still very controlling. She says I can’t move out because she hasn’t discussed and agreed to it. Apparently I can only leave her if she agrees. When I say that I am already planning on leaving, he says it’s not fair because I haven’t given her a chance. By the end of the hour chat, I think Charlie understands that we’re not on the same page and she needs to make a bit more effort if she wants to keep her marriage.

The chances of Charlie making the effort and sticking to it are virtually zero, but at least I know with a clear conscience that I have tried to communicate to Charlie and she cannot later say she is surprised, although no doubt she will. The real win would be if she could just temper her emotions enough that the children don’t experience it them the time too.

So after all the recent fallout and my very clear message to Charlie that it is over. It’s like Charlie hasn’t taken a single thing on board.

First thing in the morning, I put some washing on and then go for a run. 30minutes later I come back and Charlie has stopped the wash and changed it to a shorter one. My clothes are filthy from camping in the sand and around the fire and need that full wash.

Charlie blames it on Evan playing with the washing machine, but I don’t believe her. This is the second time it has happened and none of the children have seen Evan in our utility room that morning. Evan cannot even open the downstairs door by herself so somebody else would have had to let her through.

I hate the audacity Charlie has to mess with my things intentionally and then blame it on a two year old.

After all the Covid restrictions, we finally get a camping trip booked in. We head off to an island with another family that Charlie is friends with. Charlie always gets a big twitchy around holidays, I think it could be the many things that all need taking care of for a holiday to happen.

It all starts well with smiles and we camp in side by side pitches with Charlies friends. But by day three, the tension is brewing. Charlie just can’t handle not being in control and when you’re on holiday, there are lots of things you are not fully in control of. Charlie has begun her disruptive & controlling, behaviour.

For example, Evan (2) needed getting into her wetsuit. Charlie wouldn’t do it, and said she was getting herself changed. I am fine with this, so I sort Evan out, but then Charlie watches the whole time and doesn’t get changed herself. Then I have to wait for Charlie to get changed in the car before I can get changed. Charlie follows me around the whole day making it hard to talk one on one with the children.

In the evening, I go to beach by myself, literally thirty seconds from the tent. Dawn’s friend comes down later and we’re just stood apart talking, her friend has picked up on Charlie being more tense than usual. The next thing we know, Charlie comes down and starts accusing us of an affair. That’s incredulous seeing as we’ve only been here three days her her friend’s partner is also with us. Charlie is openly rude to her friend. But I know it could have been anyone and she would still have a problem. Charlie is trying to find a reason to justify her anxiety and feelings.

I go off for a chat to Charlie later, I explain there are one thousand other possible reasons we were on the beach, stood in the open and talking. Charlie agrees to chill.

On Monday morning, I thought the air was clear, there’s camp fire between our tents, it’s completely public. I’m sat across from Charlies friend talking about if we need more firewood from the shop. Charlie sees us and shouts over not to have any more private conversations please.

I explain we’re talking about the fire but Charlie will not accept it. She tells her friend to b****r off and loudly accuses us of having an affair again, the children can hear it all, her friends partner can hear it. There’s awkward silence. I’m so embarrassed, I just want to apologise to the friends who have done nothing wrong. Charlie gets even more aggressive, I am sick of every calm camping moment being ruined by Charlie trying to start fights. So I shout at Charlie, she refuses to acknowledge or remember that she was the one who shouted over and a accused us of secret chats.

I asked her why didn’t she just come and sit with us and join in the conversation, but we already know she can’t do that. She’s just too negative to do that. I am furious but bite my tongue until I get into the tent. Charlie hears my frustration and is in full rage. She’s demanding keys to the car and wants to drive off with the children, I refuse to let her have the keys because I’m scared for her driving when she is so angry , especially with the children. So Charlie throws Washing up water into the tent, her friend tries to help take the children to beach away from us fighting (am I fighting), but Charlie has a go at her as well. So the other family grab their children and leave.

I decide I can’t cope with Charlie like this. Charlie will not calm down whilst I am around. She will try to control me the whole day, follow me none stop and judge everything I do, she won’t think of the children. So I get a bag of snacks and water and run off to force some space for the day.

After I leave, Charlie throws all my things out of the tent into the sand, she tells the children that I don’t love them and starts packing up to leave. Ollie & Sam know it’s not true, but it’s still hurts to hear about it.

I completely detest Charlies behaviour but for the sake of the children’s holiday I avoid the her friends and Charlie as much as possible for the rest of the trip and put a smile on it.

It felt awful.