Month: May 2021

Charlie gets home from work, I am kind of expecting that she’s got her act together given all the tension last night, but no.

Charlie uptight about her course, she wanted to finish this year but has been told she needs to do modules in the right order and it will add 12 months to the course. She’s totally distracted by this and flustered. The reason the modules are out of sync is because Charlie pulled out of one earlier in the year, so it was her choice. But she didn’t realise and now it’s everybody else’s fault. “It’s political”, “the university is out of order and this would never happen elsewhere”. She is blaming everybody except herself and is impossible to communicate with about much else.

I go and get the children take them to fill the car with fuel and give Charlie some space. When we get back, she’s made tea Tuna Pasta bake, But she is so distracted there’s no tuna, so it’s cheesy pasta bake. Her mood puts a dampener on everyone else in the house.

After dinner Charlie vanishes off to watch TV but Evan needs a breast feed and is just wandering around the house. I give her a cup of milk. Then Charlie calls Evan (2yrs) downstairs, Charlie is stood at the bottom of the stairs and makes Evan go to her as though she doesn’t want to miss any of her program on TV. Next we know, Evan has fallen down all the stairs and rolled to the bottom. It was obvious she was tired, but Charlie didn’t pick up on it. It’s only a couple of weeks since Evan last fell on the stairs. I’m frustrated that Charlie is not alert to the dangers, she is in her own bubble of frustration at her course and not engaged with her family again. I need her to engage if she’s around and focus on being an responsible parent.

We finally had huge row last night. I’ve been trying to keep smiling and keep the peace for 6 weeks during all the Covid stuff. I really tried hard to stay calm and bite my tongue every time Charlie was difficult to be with. All this week there has been little moments where Charlie has been pushing in and coming between the children and I, eventually I snapped and we had a big row.

Little things like when Charlie is chatting to Ollie at bedtime. I sneak off to cuddle Sam on the sofa for 10 mins, straight away Charlie is downstairs as well tidying shoe racks and checking the washing, she just stood behind the sofa watching in an uncomfortable way, eventually I challenged her to give us 5 minutes so she stops her fussing around and sits in another chair with us, it’s an OK compromise but I still feel watched. It makes my skin crawl.

At night when Evan cries and I go to her, Charlie pushing in and sits on Evan’s bed and I can tell she wants to take over even though I can easily resettle Evan – I normally settle Evan to sleep every night when Charlie is off on her laptop. When I show the children a new photo of their cousins from my side, Charlie immediately starts talking about the cousins on her side. It’s just impossible to have those little parent moments with the children. If I’m talking to the children and I use a word which is different here to Charlies birth country, she will immediately correct me (thongs, capsicum, doona).

Last night, it was club time for Ollie, I always get Ollie sorted for his clubs and encourage him, sometimes he lacks a bit of confidence. It’s all going well, but then Charlie see’s what I’m doing and starts chasing Ollie to get his uniform on. She just stood in his room over and over repeating that he needs to get ready – but there was loads of time, it’s 20 mins until we would normally leave. I don’t understand why Charlie has to interfere with something that I normally manage without fuss.

Nobody was watching Sam or Josie. I cringe at the way Charlie excessively fusses over Ollie, he just needs asking to get ready once and he’ll probably do it. Then I get his school bag to sort his lunch for the next day and Charlie demands I hand it over, I say no and she doesn’t back down. So I flip and start shouting that she just won’t let me do what I’m doing, she always has to interfere. We end up outside, Charlie is following me. Then the neighbours are out. Everybody on the street seems to know we’re having a tiff.

Fortunately the neighbour comes to intervene, I just need a break from Charlie and I can’t get it. She interferes when I’m trying to be a parent and follows me when I need space. The neighbour makes Charlie stop following me and separates us, it feels so good. She helps Charlie calm down whilst I get some air. But at this point, Ollie, Sam and Evan are all crying on the street. I’m so hurt – it doesn’t need to be like this, I want to do so much for the children and I can’t because I have to constantly manoeuvre around Charlie, I feel like she does not want me to have anything to do with the children and comes between us all the time. Yet when she is with the children, she doesn’t cope. Two nights ago she couldn’t get Ollie to come to bed and had to ask me to do it. I had a nice chat to him for 5 minutes about Lego and then he went straight to bed without a fuss.

Later after the kids are in bed, I head home and chat to Charlie. It’s very obvious again that she has apparently no idea her behaviour is frustrating. When I say that her walking around the house huffing and sniffing is putting people on edge, she says she’s allowed to do that. When I say she follows me up and down around the house as I go to be with the children, she says she’s allowed to go where she wants in the house. She has no acceptance that we might find her uncomfortable or want space. She doesn’t seem to treasure or value those five minute moments with the children in the way that I do. She says it’s all on me for losing it in front of the children and shouting at her, but when I say she needs to be a two way street and stop being so anxious all the time around us, she doesn’t understand at all.

It’s scary how her actions and perceptions / memories of her actions are not the same. It’s so hard to explain to her because any one little event or thing can be explained away as a misunderstanding or unintentional, it’s only when you see the sum of her actions and persistence in them that the patterns are evident.

I still have no idea how to solve this. I told Julie that Charlie needs to get help, that I’ve been to four different counselours, I am trying, but if Charlie rejects any help and refuse to genuinely engage with any services then it’s going to continue being tough.

Charlie has been out shopping and brought the children some new clothes which is fine. However Evan’s new pyjamas are a onesie with a very bright red fire-safety warning.

I can’t allow my child to sleep in these, honestly I can’t believe shops are still allowed to sell them as clothes because numerous children have been badly burned in these outfits that burn in less than 60 seconds. Evan is only two.

I go for the praise sandwich, remarking that the pyjamas are cute, and also mentioning a concern that Evan’s new pjs have a prominent red fire safety warning. I would not recommend them as pjs.

Charlie loses it, Charlie saying all I do is criticise her and give her a hard time. She is very angry that I have concerns about pjs even when I explain there’s a big red warning label on them. The children can hear her shouting and swearing, she’s walking around from room to room disturbing everyone, spitting again. It’s hard to settle Evan. Ollie is trying to reason with Charlie, Sam is trying to understand what the big deal is. I can’t leave Evan as the noise is waking her up and she will start running around again.

I’m very frustrated at Charlie making such a big fuss and blaming me for it all. Telling the children that I always give her a hard time and trying to be divusive, I have hardly spoken all day as I get fed up of her passive aggressive remarks. She says I always criticise her. But when she came in the kitchen earlier complaining it was too small, I didn’t kick off and have a half hour shout and stomp at her.

After I get Evan to bed, I go and make peace with Charlie. Charlie calms down but still insists that since none of our children have been in a fire so far that it’s not a problem. Basically she doesn’t accept the warning or my concern, she cuts the warning label out of the pjs!

I’m emotionally shattered from all the abuse, all the lies and deception from Charlie and how she behaves in front of the children. I feel like I want to cry and go to the bedroom, Charlie follows me and insists a should listen to her, she thinks we’re going to hang out now but I just want to get away from her. She follows me from room to room and eventually I have to shout at her before she gets the message that I just want to be alone. She has no idea that she has hurt me or the children. In the other room, I can hear her telling Ollie how bad I am and that I am to blame for everything. He is in tears about his parents fighting but Charlie doesn’t care, she doesn’t see that she just caused this and is emotionally abusing him too. She just keeps saying she’s going to leave and take all the children away from me.

It sucks.